4 A.M. Girl

4 A.M. Girl

Iden Crockett's exhibition, 4 A.M. Girl opens Friday March 15th at the Yellow Springs Arts Council and run through April 14th. Iden is a mixed media artist/writer/photographer. She creates deeply personal work examining her struggles with mental health, gender, sexuality, and her experiences as a first responder. She is the author of the award winning newspaper column My Name is Iden and two illustrated collections of poetry: Black, White, and Red All Over and Not Ded, Asleep. You can follow her journey or purchase her work at: https://www.mynameisiden.com/

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental Health Struggles; Suicidal Ideation

It hurts to be this way. The cuts hurt. The cramps hurt and I am so tired.

Have you ever been so tired that you aren’t sure that you are alive? Have you ever been so tired that you want to die just so you can shut your eyes? It’s 4 am. Do you know where your artist is?

this was supposed to help. the art was supposed to help. putting my feelings into words, making pictures when there were no words for those feelings, was supposed to heal me. so what went wrong?

Why am I awake? Again. I am exhausted. Always. I am bleeding. Again. I am hungry. Always. I am crazy in all ways and I always have been.

4 am. Why? Every day I wake up at 4 am.

What went wrong? when did my therapy become my illness? i don’t know. I didn’t know then, I don’t know now, and I don’t imagine I will in the future. But this was never about what I know. It’s about what She feels.

I don’t stop. Ever. Every second I am drawing. I am writing or collaging. In Bed. At work. On the toilet. Piles of pictures. of essays. of photographs and poems.

I don’t eat because I can’t. I don’t sleep because I can’t. I don’t stop because I can’t. She won’t let me.

This, all of it, is Her’s. I am Her’s. Her. The other me. The me that cannot speak but has so much to say. The me that is invisible but needs so badly to be seen.

This is her art. I am her tool and I won’t be finished until she is.

It’s 4 am. Do you know where your artist is?

She is in hell. She is trapped in her own head. She is tired and she is wishing for death.

It is 4 am. She will never be done but, at least, she isn’t alone.

Links & Tags

Yellow Springs Arts Council

4 A.M. Girl is taking place at Yellow Springs Arts Council, which is located at 111 Corry Street in Yellow Springs. Yellow Springs Arts Council - Supporting a creative quality of life for everyone who lives in and visits the village of Yellow Springs through monthly gallery shows, art classes and performances as well as the yearly Art House Hop